Let’s see now; you have done everything you thought possible to be “green”. You have slogged your way back on foot from the organic market with overpriced, wormy and shrivelled, fair-trade produce to feed your vegan diet. You suffer frostbite during these trips as the organic hemp-wear outfit you have allowed yourself the luxury of is not quite as insulating as you would like and the global warming that you were confident would arrive has not appeared for some reason. At least you will have the smug satisfaction of being green as you apply organic, locally-grown bandages to that peeling skin, you have not frivolously used a carbon belching, combustion-driven machine to get to the trough.

 You shiver at night while trying to read the dog-eared, second hand book that you borrowed as you refuse to turn the heat past 10 degrees. Again that hemp-quilt seems a little inadequate. Your eyes are strained as you try to define the print under the weak light of a $50 special green LED light as conventional illumination is indeed the work of Satan. Hey, even if you go blind it is OK; you have been wearing those little round John Lennon style glasses for effect for years now. Finally you will be able to justify a prescription for them.

 You dedicate an hour a day in summer to hand weeding your lawn as you fear the allegations of environmental effects of herbicide. Sure no study has proven such ill-effects but hey, we must be green right? Keeping up is difficult as the nearby city property is a sea of yellow due to Pincott and Farrell having been successful in banning city use of such chemicals. Your day is rather crunched though as what used to be a 10 minute drive to work is now a one-hour, hair-raising bicycle ride or even longer walk as you have eschewed the evils of motorized transport.

 You grow a herb-garden in the back yard in a futile attempt to add flavor to your rather bland and lifeless vegan diet of unpronouncable beanish things. You have fertilized the garden with a mixture of regular compost mixed with your own feces in hopes of saving our waterways. You recycle every conceivable thing despite reports that we really don’t actually have efficient means to recycle them. Who cares about reality? You need a distraction from the self-loathing that you endure in having been born a natural enemy of the earth. A distraction from the itch and burn in the nether regions due to the use of single-ply, recycled, organic toilet paper (only one sheet per poop as Sheryl Crow told you) is nice as well.

 You do it all. On your weekends you attend any rally opposing pretty much everything that you can find. You don’t quite understand what globalism is but dammit you are strongly opposed to it. Your compatriots are smashing windows at these rallies, assaulting police officers and wearing designer shoes that were made in third-world nations by child labor. That’s OK, you are confident that their facial piercings must be organic at least. It does not seem to make sense to you but those who lead you tell you this is worthwhile in saving dear Gaea. You do what the herd does as you revel in your perception of individuality.

 You have allowed yourself to indulge in one pleasure in life. It does feel wrong but you can’t help yourself. With 23 hours per day dedicated to self-sacrifice in the name of mother-earth you need one hour of pleasure.

 Yes, you have adopted a dog. With days filled with guilt and self-hatred, the unquestioning love that is displayed in your furry friend’s eyes give a break from stress and restraint that is unparalleled. The dog does not get on your case for having eaten meat in your youth. The dog does not harp on you for having eaten that Nestle chocolate bar in a moment of weakness in 2002. The dog does not even complain about the meat-locker style cold that you live within. The dog is always overjoyed to see you as you experience joy in seeing it. The dog never complains of the scent you emit due to a refusal to use detergent-laden soap or deodorants that may offend the environmentally sensitive. The dog does not want to talk about the plight of the albino, Equadorian sea-slug nor the endangered booger-lichen of the Northern Andes.

 This little indulgence can’t hurt can it?

 ALAS!!! YOUR ECO-LEADERS HAVE DETERMINED THAT DOGS ARE KILLING MOTHER EARTH!!!!

Sadly and unsurprisingly, some eco-driven scientists in New Zealand have determined that owning a dog is actually twice as bad as driving an SUV. The dog consumes food that could feed children in the third-world and his farts are eating our ozone. Cats are evil as well by the way and these nuts have even found that owning goldfish is the equivalent of using two portable phones.

 Your dog ownership has completely countered the sacrifice and misery that you have endured in your adult life. Those fawning brown eyes were simply there to distract you from the reality that your pooch was put on this earth (like yourself) simply to ruin it. You collapse on the floor in despair. Sadly, no neighbors hear the collapse as your malnourished vegan body creates nary a flop. Gluten-free, vegan, organic, fluoride-free tears become free-range as they flow from your sunken-eyes.

 Ohhh woe is you. How many acres of Brazilian rainforest are you now directly responsible for the destruction of? How many hairs have fallen from the arses of how many polar bears due you your selfishness? Will a new hole in the ozone be named for you? Why didn’t you just enjoy a little bacon now and then? Questions. Self-doubt is now mixed with your self-loathing. Your high-horse has vanished. You are no better than those neighbors with the sports car that you sneered at. Perhaps you are worse. You should have known better.

Exposed for what He is, your supposed best friend approaches and offers you what humans have offered His species for a century when it is found (by somebodies definition) that you no longer serve a beneficial purpose to the planet.

 All I can say is that I hope a degree of reality has kicked in by now you trendy, eco-kook.

 Oh and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!