Have you found your park spaces suddenly overrun with squatters?
Can you no longer enjoy lunch in the park without being accosted by hippies, hipsters, bored suburban kids and communists?
Does your dog now hate trips to the park for fear of stepping in the feces left between the tents of un-housebroken squatters?
Are you tired of seeing your very flag disrespected along with public property through vandalism and defacement?
Does your mayor cower in abject terror at the prospect of taking a leadership role and enforcing common city laws?
Well folks, have no fear!!!
SQUAT BE GONE
Fear not weary taxpayer. Just call 1-800-END-POOP to speak with one of our representatives so that we may get to work on ending your infestation as quickly as possible. One of our teams can be at your location within hours and will immediately begin implementing our special patented squatter elimination process.
We do like to be as humane as possible in our squatter control. We begin using methods of repellant in order to drive away some of the less entrenched squatters.
Years of careful research have proven that the concept of work in itself can drive many a squatter into the fetal position in terror.
Carrying signs and application forms, our trained professionals will circle the park repeatedly while trying to engage squatters in impromptu job interviews. This method has been proven to reduce squatters by as much as 25% as many retreat in terror back to their parent’s basements.
At the “occupy” Calgary site, even stubborn squatter James (I don’t work man!) Bullock (in video below) vanished after having been offered a job by Richard Evans as seen on CTV. Jobs horrify squatters every time.
As is evident in any squatter infestation, many squatters decline all forms of personal hygiene thus rendering themselves completely unemployable. This reduces their fear of gainful employment and makes these ones more difficult to dislodge.
Thankfully, soap is to squatters as sunlight to vampires. When our cleaning crews arrive, many more squatters will flee. The remainder will smell marginally better at least.
Those squatters who have endured the prior two repelling measures are clearly being driven by strong and misplaced idealism. Gilbert Gottfreid will be brought in to repeatedly recite John Galt’s radio speech from Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged in those soothing tones that only Gilbert can produce.
Some squatters will run screaming from the common sense being recited. A few others may find enlightenment and suddenly seek a productive life. Rand is good that way.
While the above measures are effective in reducing squatter populations, like crab-lice “occupy” squatters tend to cling and make themselves difficult to remove.
The remaining squatters will be trapped in as humane a manner as possible with targetted trap sites.
The hipster trap has proven very effective for the suburban kid crowd and the crazy conspiracy spouting college professor crowd. Trap baits can be changed to suit needs with pot, patchouli and granola until all remaining squatters have been live-trapped.
With another wash and a spay or a neuter our problem squatters are now readly to be loaded on to our first class transport to ship them to their new home.
Yes, your squatters will be released to roam free in their natural habitat within North Korea!!
Kim Jong-il will be more than happy to add all these fine healthy suburban kids to his happy family in the worker’s paradise of North Korea.
The squatters will finally get to experience that wonderful equitable society that they purport to support and you will regain use of your public space.
Be sure to call soon!
Our 10th lucky caller gets a free park disinfecting!!
You could die of old age waiting for city action or a court ruling so act now!
No actual squatters were harmed in the making of this blog post. (except maybe some feelings)